Which of these costumes is safe enough for Santa Fe?

The Santa Fe Police Department has released its tips for safe trick-or-treating on Halloween, and while safety should in no way be taken lightly, these guidelines nonetheless do inspire a bit of gentle mocking. This is, after all, a holiday that revolves around getting kids to take candy from strangers.

Tip #1: Make sure that your child is wearing a costume that is comfortable and does not restrain the child from any movement.

In other words, no renting a kid so you can dress him up as a life-sized whoopie cushion, and no using the excuse of Halloween to put your child in a straitjacket. That shouldn’t be too difficult a parameter to accept.

Tip#2: Always go with your children, and only go to homes that have their porch light on.

I’m guessing all the adults yearning to show their benevolence by showering little kids with candy but don’t have porch lights are the same people who didn’t have chimneys for Santa as kids. Sad.

Tip #3: If you are out at night, take a flash light.

Then again, you could just trick-or-treat at noon.

Tip #4: Use makeup rather than a mask.

There’s no explanation given for this one, but maybe it’s so people can tell that you’re a kid instead of some crazy pint-sized monster with a plastic face? Or maybe the SFPD’s just trying to help us cope with the recession: Not only is makeup recession-proof, but according to CBS, it’s also “a pick-me-up that won’t break the bank, but still makes us feel good about ourselves.”

Tip #5: Make sure any clothing you are wearing is not dragging on the ground, you could trip and fall.

Which is not the only reason never to do this. Or this. You could do this if you cut off the tail…but then no one would get it.

Tip #6: Report things like people stealing bags of candy from kids or any other activity that is out of the ordinary to police.

Stealing candy is only cute when kids do it.

Tip #7: Inspect all candy before allowing your children to eat any of it.

Who knows what you could find? My parents made us look for razorblades when we should’ve been trolling for diamonds.

Tip #8: In an emergency call 911.

(if someone steals your candy)

Tip #9: For non-emergency calls to the police dial 428-3710.

(if someone steals someone else’s candy)

Tip #10 (or just a grammatically flawed version of Tip #7): Inspect all your Childs candy before they eat any of it.

If you haven’t been offended yet, click here to find out how much less tasteful New York City can be than beautiful Santa Fe. Oh, and one last word of advice from your friends at SFR: Never, EVER do this.

Happy Halloween!