Unsolicited responses to the week’s weirdest classified advertisements.

Female Duck Wanted in Española
I am looking for a female duck. Our female duck died two days ago and the male is very lonely. Please let us know if you have a duck you would like to sell.
Thank you.

Dear Duck Wanter,
Nobody is going to sell or give you any ducks. Why? Because it would obviously be cruel and unusual duck punishment: Anyone who knows ducks knows why your female died. Your male duck—technically called a drake—killed your female by viciously humping it to death. Depending on what part of the breeding season you are in, you’ll need 5 to 10 ducks to satisfy your drake’s need to spread his seed.  If you’re matching one drake to one duck, you’re either under the religious, anthropomorphic spell that one male and one female is God’s preferred matching or you are making the kind of YouTube videos that should have the FBI’s sex crimes unit rappelling through your skylight any second now. Try trading your male for a pair of females, who will get along like gangbusters and happily lay eggs without a drake in sight. That is if you can tolerate two lady ducks licking each other in the nether feathers if the mood strikes them.

Classif*cker

Normally, I’m a pretty open-minded person, but when I saw Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters on a Barnes and Noble bookshelf, I couldn’t figure out what to think. Dildos and cross-dressing just didn’t match my conception of Victorian England at all. But I’d been led to the novel by the recommendation of a friend with excellent taste who had never been wrong about a book before. So, I took a deep breath and decided I could splurge eleven dollars on the little paperback.

I’m pleased to report that Tipping the Velvet not only tells a good story, it transforms commonly held perceptions about a time and place in history. Victorian Era London, commonly viewed as a stuffy, repressed age in which sex occurred only in marriage (and then only to make babies) instead comes alive on the pages of Waters’ novel as a dynamic, vibrant era, with a lot of revolutionary (and sexy) things going on behind closed doors. Continue reading »

Marched from St. Francis’ Cathedral today to protest the anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision. Here’s the procession, speeded way up…because, like I said, there was a who lotta them.

Well, someone’s out to get Santa Fe City Councilor Chris Calvert… From Craigslist’s adult gigs:

Full text after the jump.

Continue reading »

Today, Iraqi TV journalist to US President George W. Bush: “This is the farewell kiss, you dog.”