In case there weren’t enough harrowing experiences to be encountered on, say, one’s bike or Cerrillos Road or both, the Santa Fe Place mall now features a hurricane simulator with 78 mph winds, more fun than a Glenn Beck Christmas Pageant**. After waiting 45 minutes for someone to step into the booth, the Eyedropper gave up and took this photo of the empty simulator. I would have tested it out myself, but was at the mall so, naturally, was  dressed to the nines and didn’t want my pretty brushed hair to get mussed up. I was also too busy eating free samples and didn’t have the $2 entry fee.

**Dear patrons of UA DeVargas, no one likes Glenn Beck. However, the Eyedropper would like you to withhold your booing during his Christmas Pageant commercial so I can figure out what the hell it is. All I can tell is that he’s on stage crying with Christmas themed stuff around and says something about a Christmas sweater.

Update: A quick Google search reveals that Beck’s “A Christmas Sweater,” essentially “a performance version of the book Beck wrote about his own life,” opened to “less than stellar reviews.” No shit.

Show us what has left the back of your eyelids burning. Send pictures of visual trespass and peculiarities to copyeditor [at] sfreporter.com, subject “eyedropper.”

Back in March, two women got into a fight at the Santa Fe Place mall. Big whoop, right? Read on.

According to a lawsuit filed by Jennifer M Maez yesterday in First Judicial District Court in Santa Fe, Victoria M Nevarez entered the Trade Secrets salon where Maez worked at began punching and kicking her. She also “bit [Maez] on the thumb,” which caused “serious injury.”

Bystanders saw the fight and went to find help. Then, according to Maez’ lawsuit, this happened:

“Two individuals ran to the security office located in the middle of the mall and found a security officer eating a sandwich.

“The security officer was described as tall, chunky, and he had his security belt off…

“The security officer ignored the individual requesting help and continued eating his sandwich.

“At one point the individual requesting help asked a cleaning person who was standing near the security officer if the security officer could hear him.

“The cleaning person responded that, yes, the security officer could hear him.

“The individual once again asked the security officer if he could hear him and at this point the security officer responded with ‘yeah I heard you‘.

“The security officer finished his sandwich and finally stood up.

“The security officer looked obviously irritated, put his belt on then said something into his radio.

“By the time the security officer arrived the fight was already over.

“Security officer was terminated following this incident.”

Told you to read on.

The lawsuit names the security officer as “John Doe.” Also named as defendants are Nevarez; the mall’s corporate owner, Jones Lang LaSalle; Matt Clawson, the mall’s director of public safety; Clawson’s employer, IPC International Corp; and 19 more John Does.

Reached just now by SFR, Clawson declined comment until he gets corporate permission. The mall’s marketing manager did not immediately return a request for comment.

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Photo of Monte Cristo with “Deep fried ham, turkey american and swiss cheese sandwich with rasberry preserves and topped with powdered sugar” from This is why you’re fat.

Show us what has left the back of your eyelids burning. Send pictures
of visual trespass and peculiarities to copyeditor [at] sfreporter.com,
subject “eyedropper.”

I was in the mall. Remember the mall?  I passed Hot Topic. Remember Hot Topic? And I found a bunch of awkwardly aged goth-ish kids packed in America’s favorite anti-mainstream but de facto mainstream store, awaiting (in that awkward mid-growing-stage way of theirs) a concert.

Remember concerts at Hot Topic in the mall? No. In the good old days these kids would’ve been out vandalizing something, not biding their time at an easy-going concert in Hot Topic no doubt being pacified by music along the lines of Hoobastank.

There was a vigilant chaperon and certainly a strictly adhered to maximum occupancy rule. No graffiti as far as I could tell. Retainers were worn dutifully, shoes tied.

I lingered long enough to get this photo, to see a drum set, a blur of wide-leg jeans (ha, nothing changes, ever), black T-shirts, affected angst and to see a couple fiercely making out with what appeared to be only the tips of their tongues. I left before I could be devoured by pubescence.

Kids, you will be more interesting if you smash something. Start with Hot Topic.