“Pris,” Blade Runner

I personally would never be able to pull off Pris, since it would not only require going blond again, but also going tall. Clearly, if you already have those two things down, you’re just two hours worth of eye makeup away from being one bad-ass “pleasure model” replicant. Be sure to stay in character by pretending to be a mannequin and then trying to strangle someone with your thighs. Seriously, guys love that. Side note: As a child, I was semi-convinced that I was a Nexus 6, which I’m thinking is the super-geeky version of thinking you’re adopted.

““River Tam”,” Firefly/Serenity

River, now that I think of it, would be very easy for me to dress up as without any preparation: Long unbrushed hair: Check. Unpredictably combative nature: Check. Clothes that never seem to fit right: Check. Would probably have to practice catatonic stare a little bit. Maybe. Bonus: Get to spend the night saying weird stoned-sounding shit to everyone without repercussions. Optional for staying in character: Beat up everyone in the room.

“Trinity,” Matrix

As one witty poster notes on the youtube page for this clip, “If Trinity was any hotter, her outfit would catch fire.” Boo-yeah! Who says the Internet is an intellectual wasteland? The downside of the Trinity costume, of course, is lack of timeliness. The upside is, you can buy it premade, and vinyl, I’m told, is rather warm. Even better, talk a man friend into dressing as Neo. Dramatic Entrance: Enter parties fake machine guns a blazing! This will either be entertaining or offensive, depending on what kind of parties you go to.

“Alice,” Resident Evil

Clearly, the Resident Evil costume is all about the dress. I lucked out last year because I found the exact right dress at Mess for Less…in a size 14. Then I really lucked out when my friend altered it for me. My boyfriend bought me the wig and the gun (with a bit too much eagerness, I might add, but that’s another story). Having your own Zombie to escort you for the evening helps. And, since it’s Halloween, I can’t restrain myself from posting a link to the Zombie movie I made last year, which shows the costume in action. If all that alteration stuff sounds exhausting, you could easily go with Alice’s more recent desert/sexy combat look.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I’m torn, here, between wanting to assert for the record my extreme longevity as a Buffy fan, and not wanting to date myself too much. (Also, apologies that I don’t have a better Buffy clip, youtube is a Buffy wasteland of crazed video responses dubbed and set to horrible music. I had to give up). Suffice it to say, I dressed up as Buffy for Halloween long enough ago that no one I knew then even owned a digital camera (hence the lack of photos) and the iphone was but an idea in the mind of…whoever invented it. Anyway, Buffy, I’m thinking, makes for a timeless costume, and going as Buffy also gives you carte blanche to start shit with anyone dressed—god forbid—like a character from Twilight. Also a super easy costume: leather pants (which I borrowed); blond wig (also borrowed and, returned with defeated expression on face), wooden stake (borrowed, although now that I think about it, why did someone I know own a wooden stake?), cross around the neck. The last item can be a particularly transformative prop if your last name is Goldberg.

And yet…

Say cheese!

Look! This partially vaporized column must be important—it’s fenced off!

A replica of Fat Man, and…God Bless America.

The whole thing reminded me of those parades they have in Pakistan, where the military drags its nuclear-tipped missiles through the streets, met by cheering crowds. Hooray! We’re a nuclear power!

More from my field trip after the cut.

People brought their dogs and children along. The kids seemed to spend most of their time hunting for Trinitite, the glassy green sand created by the blast. As the signs warn, stealing it is a crime…

But it’s either not a very serious crime, or whoever put up this sign by the highway is running a scam:

Here is Trinitite:

Anyway, I learned a lot. Here’s the picture everyone is supposed to take:

And here is everyone taking it:

I am become digital point-and-shoot, destroyer of taste.